this whole Mother thing. I've just been pretending for the past 9+ years. Now, although I've made many mistakes, I don't think I've messed up my kids too much as of yet. But, this whole pretending thing is coming back to bite me now...Life is getting a lot more complicated with the kids getting older and such that this charade is no longer working for me. I'm struggling. Insomuch that I really wanted to quit my job this last week and run away. I'm frustrated, feeling guilty and inferior and just plain worn out! I've been just trying to survive for the past 9 years, making it up as I go along. I've been in survival mode for so long that I don't know how to live any other way. It's time for me to start living more intentionally and with more purpose. The problem is, I don't know where to start. All these ideas swarm in my head. There are so many of them that I get overwhelmed and just want to curl up in a ball and do nothing. I read a quote today by a comedian, Jim Gaffigan, that said, "If you want to know what it's like to have a fourth kid, just imagine you're drowning and someone hands you a fourth kid!" While hilarious, unfortunately, that is how I feel right now (except with a 5th kid!)
I'm just venting. I'm not looking for any pats on the back or soliciting any compliments, they actually just pour salt into the wounds. I just wish I knew where to start with how to get on track. I would say back on track, except that I never was there! How do I start at the beginning when the 5 kids are already here?
8 comments:
that is EXACTLY how i've been feeling. especially since the 5th has been born. it has been almost non-stop chaos for the past 10 weeks. i think we've discussed before how we're both extremists. i've been so overwhelmed with everything that NEEDS to be done in my life right now, that i pretty much don't do anything.
so hopefully i'm not pouring any salt in the wounds :( but i just wanted to let you know that i know what you mean!
Welcome to the club. No one really knows how to do it. I've come to the conclusion that even our *parents* were faking their way through it. You're just entering a new phase where your kids are old enough to start "doing things" - things like sports and piano and scouts and... and you're going to be run ragged! But it'll get even more fun (and by that I mean frustrating) when they get to the teenage years and start telling you all the things you're doing wrong! The irony of being "called to repentence" by a teenager is enough to make you laugh (which doesn't help the teenager's perspective, of course). Honestly, everything looks better in retrospect (and if that doesn't help, maybe a cold diet coke and a box of cookies will).
No pats on the back, but maybe a hug :) The drowning analogy seems very apt. No real advice, but I know that in the midst of drowning, whenever I manage to sit down and just "be" for a moment with my kids, I'm never sorry, even if it means nothing gets done. Too bad I can't just do that all day, every day.
Lets go do a dinner and a movie...tell me when :)
Just send them on a one way trip to Grandma's house! j/k:) I am having a hard time believing you, you are such a good mom every time I see you! Sorry, not trying to make you feel worse, Just come be my neighbor again and we can just take turns cooking dinner and taking care of the kids...sister wives!!:)
I really do feel this way often. People always comment on my blog of how I'm such a GREAT mom...I always laugh thinking "if they only knew!" they only see the fun pictures on my blog....they don't see all the unfun pictures I never take. It is tough being a mom but you are too hard on yourself. Go read Elder Uctdorf's talk again:) Right now I am listening to Oliver scream bloody murder in his crib and was up all night with Luke and Oliver who were sick...I want to quit sometimes too!! once a year my great grandma did quit and went to live in a hotel for a few days with her magazines. She had 9 daughters. I want to start that tradition soon! We are coming down for Thanksgiving, will you be around??
P.S. I think faking is how all parents do it....we are all just faking trying to figure it all out...I think it just gets harder as they get older.
P.S. I think faking is how all parents do it....we are all just faking trying to figure it all out...I think it just gets harder as they get older.
I don't think anyone knows how to do it all. Your words are probably the same things most of us are feeling. Having my 5th has been very overwhelming for me too. I found a quote from Pres. Monson that said "our future is as bright as our faith", and I put it up in my room. I think in the end all we can really do is pray, do our best and have faith that God will make up for our short comings. I am sure you know this already but it helps me to sometimes remind myself sometimes. Take a deep breath, you are doing better than you think.
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