this whole Mother thing. I've just been pretending for the past 9+ years. Now, although I've made many mistakes, I don't think I've messed up my kids too much as of yet. But, this whole pretending thing is coming back to bite me now...Life is getting a lot more complicated with the kids getting older and such that this charade is no longer working for me. I'm struggling. Insomuch that I really wanted to quit my job this last week and run away. I'm frustrated, feeling guilty and inferior and just plain worn out! I've been just trying to survive for the past 9 years, making it up as I go along. I've been in survival mode for so long that I don't know how to live any other way. It's time for me to start living more intentionally and with more purpose. The problem is, I don't know where to start. All these ideas swarm in my head. There are so many of them that I get overwhelmed and just want to curl up in a ball and do nothing. I read a quote today by a comedian, Jim Gaffigan, that said, "If you want to know what it's like to have a fourth kid, just imagine you're drowning and someone hands you a fourth kid!" While hilarious, unfortunately, that is how I feel right now (except with a 5th kid!)
I'm just venting. I'm not looking for any pats on the back or soliciting any compliments, they actually just pour salt into the wounds. I just wish I knew where to start with how to get on track. I would say back on track, except that I never was there! How do I start at the beginning when the 5 kids are already here?